I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
