We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
