He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize