are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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