Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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