I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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