I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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