I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
