Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Randomize
