it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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