I think I can smell my own vagina right now
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
