my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
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