Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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