Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
