Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
this is an emotional support booty call
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
