I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
