I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
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