conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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