..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
