I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
