Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
