someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
