what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
