But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
