Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
