so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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