I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
