Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Did I show you my penis last night?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
