I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
They took my balls.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
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