Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
