Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
