I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
