I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
