any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
