Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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