Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
