were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
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