I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
