Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
is it fun? or sober?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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