By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
false alarm. still invincible.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
