Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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