i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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