Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
