Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
