The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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