I want to make a zoo with you.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
