i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
he shaved USA in his pubs
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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