you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
