I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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