i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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