I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
