I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
