His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
where does the pee come out of this thing
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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